Flowers
by Rawrnomnom
Summary: Sharrkan finally admits his feelings for Yamuraiha. Inspired by Bruno Mars - When I Was Your Man.


We meet under the fruit tree on your favorite hillside, before sunset, just like I knew you'd want. There's just enough light for me to see the orami chattering in the branches overhead. Their babbling makes my own silence less awkward as I approach and I shuffle the flowers in my hand, pretending not to be nervous.

You never fall for my acts. You never have. And I'm silently thankful that you refrain from saying anything snarky as I hold out the flowers. They're your favorite, long pink petals fading to a dusty off-white at the edges, on even longer stems that allow them to sway in the breeze. You used to scold me for never remembering their actual name, always calling them whatever came to mind first instead…

After a long moment, I draw my hand back, still clutching the whateveryoucallthem's in my fist. It's too quiet and I feel my brain struggling for something to say.

_What do I say? What do I tell you?_

Do I tell you how my chest tightens when I hear your name? That I can't breathe when our friends talk about you? Even now, I can't look at you. It takes a conscious effort to unclench my free hand, to keep my nails from drawing blood in my palm.

"Thoughts of you weigh me down every day." Maybe not the best way to begin, but… "All the people who haven't heard…court magicians returning to Sindria, the little old ladies in town who hoped we'd grow old together, they…" I have to choke back that annoying emotion rising in my throat and it's another minute at least before I can think again, because I know now what I didn't then.

"It was me," I spit, all the disgust I've felt in the last few weeks flowing out with the words. "All my pride, and my ego, all the ways you always said I was selfish…they drove you away." There were other girls before you. They all swooned at everything I did; it was never difficult to get them. But you…

"I had never met a woman so strong…as you." That's no excuse, but I need to say it. You need to hear it from me. "You were – _are_ – the best I've ever had."

There's another long silence, and I welcome it at this point. I can't think straight. I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to see you. Not yet. I shouldn't have listened to Masrur and Hinahoho. I should have just stayed in bed-

My eyes snap back to you and I feel my free hand run nervously through my hair. I know you're waiting for me to finish what I was saying.

"Yamuraiha…" It takes me another moment to form the wisps of emotion into words that will make sense to you. "It hurts that you left. I was too young, too dumb to realize what I had. And I'm much too late to tell you this, but I was wrong."

In the back of my mind, I'm proud of myself for managing that entire sentence without my voice breaking. I hope that statement sounded as strong as I need it to sound. I _need_ you to understand how much weight those words carry, how many unspoken sentiments and things I can't tell you lay behind them.

Part of me thinks you may already know those things I can't tell you. How Sinbad was the first to learn, how he confiscated my swords and sent the other generals to "check on me" every other hour of every day. At one point, he even sent Ja'far to slip some drug in my tea that made me sleep.

I can't help but sigh.

"I know it's too late to apologize, but I just want you to know this…" I look down at you as I sink back on my heels in the grass. You wait patiently. I can tell I only have a few more words left in me, but there's so much I want to say.

_I hope he buys you flowers._ Maybe he'll even remember what they're called.

_I hope he holds your hand._ I never did in public, only during those rare late-night trysts when you'd allow me to. I smile at my idiocy, how I purposefully avoided your hand the one time you tried to take it.

_And when he has the chance, I hope he gives you all his hours._ All of his free time should belong to you. Most of mine belonged to that brothel in town.

_I hope he dances with you._ I regret every single time I never pulled you into a dance during Sin's festivals. You weren't good at it and neither was I, but I know you secretly loved moving to the music, being held close.

"I'm too late, but whoever you're with now…" I manage to choke out the words, clutching my chest. This isn't fair. I'm supposed to be the strong one, as sure as a blade is sharp. I'm not supposed to be breaking like this. _I can't breathe. _"I hope he does all the things I should have done."

With that, I rise to my feet. I can't do this anymore. Thankfully, I managed to say what I came to say and it makes your silence lighter, if only a little. Even now, I can feel your eyes on me.

I stand and straighten my clothes. Then, silently, I lean down again. It takes a second for me to find the perfect way to lay the flowers down next to you, but they're your favorite and I want you to be happy. I really do.

_I love you._

You don't say anything as I walk away.

I'm almost back to the palace when my stride breaks and I turn. I can still see your favorite hillside in the distance. That tree full of orami with the sun finally setting behind it, shining through its branches.

And beneath it, the stone that marks your final resting place.


End file.
